As turkey season winds down here in Alabama, I have had some time to reflect back on the past 6 weeks of the season. I have some ideas that I would like to share with you and maybe together, we can make these ideas become reality.

Since our government loves to create laws, many of them pointless in my view, I think it is high time they create some laws that benefit us hunters. After all, we pay taxes, we vote and we are the backbone of this country. Right? So let’s band together, stand united and demand that the government WE put into power, grant us this petition and create and pass these laws immediately. Please feel free to copy this article and send it to your Senators and Representatives, both state and federal.

Detailed Plan For New Federal Turkey Laws

Article 1:
It is hereby a federal law that all males of the turkey species, over the age of 2 years old, gobble every morning of the turkey season as described and enforced by each state. Each male turkey must gobble, in a loud and very clear voice, each and every morning of said season, beginning at 15 minutes before legal daylight and ending no earlier than 12:00 PM. Male turkeys under the age of 2 may not gobble at any time unless said turkey has a beard length of more than 8 inches. The gobble must be produced at even intervals and cannot be spaced more than 2 minutes from the previous gobble.

Article 2:
In conjunction with the new Federal Turkey Law, all gobbling turkeys must perform their gobbling while facing the same direction on their roosting limb. Turning of the head or facing a different direction other than the direction that the first gobble originated from is strictly forbidden. Any instances of this type of GDT (Gobbling Deception Tactics) are strictly forbidden and will result in swift relocation to the nearest turkey farm.

Article 3:
In conjunction with the new Federal Turkey Law, all gobbling turkeys must maintain 2, and only 2, separate gobbling styles and cannot vary from those two distinct styles. One style is for when on the roost and one for once they have arrived on the ground. Each male turkey may choose their own unique style but the gobble must be registered in the FTGD (Federal Turkey Gobble Database) and cannot mimic any other registered bird. This registration must take place before the turkeys 2^nd birthday and he cannot make a gobble in the wild before doing so. Any instances of fraudulent, forged or unregistered gobbling will be considered GDT and is strictly forbidden and will result in swift relocation to the nearest turkey farm. This FTGD will be made available to the general public, via the Internet, and will be free of charge to access. A FTGD App will be coming soon for I-Phone, Blackberry and Android phones.

Article 4:
In conjunction with the new Federal Turkey Law, all gobbling turkeys must leave the roost no later than 30 minutes after legal daylight. While on the roost, all gobbling turkeys are required, by this law, to keep their eyes closed and ignore any and all noises they hear before pitching down from the roost. Any turkey peeking or purposely pitching down in a different direction based on hearing noises before legal eye opening time will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Article 5:
In conjunction with the new Federal Turkey Law, all gobbling turkeys must roost in the same tree every day of the described turkey season. Changing roosting locations is strictly forbidden unless their current roosting tree is damaged. Each gobbling turkey will be responsible for registering their roosting location (GOV Form 334564n) and providing GPS coordinates for their tree. This information will be then entered into the FTGD. If a gobbling turkey wishes to relocate their roosting location due to damage, they must first contact their local NWTF representative for a roosting tree inspection of the damaged tree and if approved, may relocate to another tree. Once relocated, the new location must be registered within 24 hours.

Article 6:
In conjunction with the new Federal Turkey Law, all gobbling turkeys may only mate, or attempt to mate, with one hen before relocating to the next group of yelping hens. It is strictly forbidden for a single male turkey to pursue more than one hen in a group before leaving those hens and moving on to the next hen they hear yelping. The fact that the hen sounds horrible and seems to come from the direction that a human was last seen at is still no excuse to not go and investigate that hen. Also, a Male turkey must investigate each and every hen or group of hens he hears before 12:00 PM.

Article 7:
In conjunction with the new Federal Turkey Law, all gobbling turkeys, when approaching a hen (or any object resembling a hen) must strut, drum and completely show off once they are within 20 yards of said hen. After reaching the hen, the male turkey must drop their fan, lift their head as high as they can, stand perfectly still, close their eyes and count to 50. Only after these steps are completed may the gobbling turkey resume its mating rituals.

Article 8:
In conjunction with the new Federal Turkey Law, females of the turkey species will immediately cease trying to spot danger in the form of human hunters. It is also strictly forbidden to warn a gobbling turkey, in any way, about an impending threat unless authorized by their NWTF representative beforehand. To receive a HEWSP (Hen Early Warning System Permit), the hen must fill out the 346 page HEWSP application and be approved and cleared by this governing agency at least 1 year prior to any warning behavior. Applicants must pass a series of physical and psychological tests before being awarded a HEWSP. Applications and testing will only be available at our HEWSP field office located in South Africa.

Article 9:
In conjunction with the new Federal Turkey Law, all turkeys (male and female) including but not limited to chicks, poults and eggs, are strictly forbidden as a source of food for all animal, reptile & bird species except humans. This includes, but is not limited to, bobcats, raccoons, possums, coyotes, foxes, wolves, hawks, eagles, snakes and domesticated animals. Harassment of the turkey species is also forbidden and all species listed above have a permanent and irrevocable restraining order placed on them to not allow their presence within 100 yards of any form of the turkey species, nesting area or roosting trees. Humans are exempted from this article.

Article 10:
In conjunction with the new Federal Turkey Law, all gobbling turkeys will take extreme care of their fan and beard or beards. Any turkey that engages in reckless behavior that results in a damaged fan or beard will be prosecuted under this law. All male turkeys must start a vitamin and supplement plan to ensure good health and good spur growth by age 1 and must continue with this plan until their death.

Well, I think this will clear up some problems and put our government back to doing some good for the people. If they can pass a law that states hot coffee should have a warning label on it that says “contents are hot” then I think these new turkey laws should be a piece of cake to write and pass. After all, I have already done most of the work. All they have to do is pass it.

Feel free to add to this new bill by posting your ideas in the comments section below. Remember, we are Americans and in America the majority rules. Lets be the majority and get these laws passed.

After all, doesn't this sound like some of the laws they have passed already?

By Robert Householder

Robert was introduced to hunting by his uncle, Jeff Hendricks, at a very young age. He grew up in the outdoors, hunting and fishing at every opportunity. He started, as most boys do, with hunting squirrels and rabbits but was soon deer hunting with his uncle and thus started a true love for deer hunting. Jeff and Robert were two of a kind and stayed in the woods or on the water as much as possible until his uncles death in 2007.

Robert was introduced to turkey hunting by a close friend, Jerry Golden, and soon developed a passion for hunting this elusive bird. It remains one of his favorite game to hunt.

Robert has branched out of just hunting in Alabama to include states like Iowa, Mississippi and Georgia. He hopes to continue to hunt game in other states in the future. Robert is a veteran of the first Gulf war and served in the USAF for a total of 7 years, including assignments in Germany, Nebraska, Texas and Illinois.

Robert is the owner of an IT Managed Services company (www.gtinow.com) in Greenville, Alabama and is the founder of TalkHunting. He has been married to his wonderful wife, Annette, since 1985 and has 3 grown children, 2 sons and a daughter. He also has one grand daughter, (Katie) and one Grandson (Jake). Robert is also a hobbyist beekeeper.

God, Family and the outdoors are his life.....

Comments(6):

1. new federal turkey laws

   excellent new law, how do i get this submitted to my legislative body? this sure would make it easier sometimes. lol

   Sunday, May 08, 2011 brad

2. Article 11

   Any Male Turkey that sees a human with a Talkhunting.com shirt or hat MUST approach said human immediately for inspection. Once presented, said turkey MUST stand at attention, with eyes closed and head high for a count of 50. No peaking!

   Sunday, May 08, 2011 Brent

3. I'm in!

   You had me going at first Robert... LOL. But then you had me on board! Let's get it passed, with Brent's addition, as soon as possible!

   Sunday, May 08, 2011 Duane

4. Siounds good

   All we need is some elected officals who think like we do. I do believe that Brents addition is an excellant one. Could we we about a similar set of laws for whitetails

   Sunday, May 08, 2011 clyde

5. Great New Laws!

   You had me there for a second also! I had my mouse ready to start highlighting! LOL Those are some Great laws, my favorite is Article 6! Also, you might add that once the gobbler is found, or once he starts in the direction of the sick hen that he is trying to locate, he MUST remain on that path!

   Tuesday, May 10, 2011 Anthony

6. Awesome New Law's

   As Government (Turkey's in Washington) go I see Constant amending to this Law...

   Wednesday, May 11, 2011 Dennis